Figured it Out

With a lot of soul searching and talking to people who know me this week, I have figured out a bit of what was wrong.   I still feel yucky and still feel like my job is sort of meaningless.  But at least I think I have figured out why.

First- I mentioned in my last post that I have been working on my boss's projects and not mine.  I have not had the time to do the things that I have wanted at work, such as the Family Health Initiative which is the Air Force's Medical Home project. I've also been wanting to do some stuff with peer review.  At the Military Health Conference last week week I was able to learn a lot about FHI and have plans to go home and implement.  So now I have a project and plan to start seeing clinic again.  I think that will help tremendously.

The other thing that I realized is that I get a bit depressed every winter.  I discovered this with the help of a friend a few years ago and discovered the St Johns Wort does the trick.  I usually remember some time in December when I get to feeling exactly like I have been feeling this week- useless at work, hopeless about the future, and feeling like I'm not doing a very good job at home either, not to mention complete laziness at home.  This year, maybe I was just too busy to notice how bad I felt and plus I was getting a few hours of sunlight on Saturdays when I ride my bike.  So, now here it is late January, and I'm finally figuring it out.  One year I did really well when I put it on my calendar to start taking my meds in November.

So now I have a plan and feel much better.  Start my project and start my meds.  Yay!    

Meaningless

This started as a letter to a friend, and I'm reposting it here.  I suppose it's times when I write stuff like this that I'm glad this is a relatively anonymous blog.  Regular people can find it if they search, but only my friends and family know who I am.

  I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday.  Not sure what triggered it.  I was sitting in a meeting room at this conference.  I can't even remember what the heck they were talking about.  But I started to realize that for the first time ever, I hate my job.  I feel like I go to work every day and do nothing meaningful.  I feel like all I do is push paper from one side of my desk to the other.  I don't feel like the things I do in medicine right now are really necessary, although I suppose some of it must be done.  But it doesn't have to be done by me. Any average doc could do it.   I have always felt like what I was doing was unique. That yes, there are people out there doing the same thing (seeing pts, commanding, advising, etc), but that no one was doing it quite like me and that I was truly making my mark and having an impact on people's lives.  I've always strived to be unique, in a good way- not a weird way.  That I was somehow special and that God put me here to do unique work. Every assignment i spend my days looking for my purpose.  Why was I personally sent there instead of someone else.  What is it that I uniquely have to offer.  I just don't have the feeling with my current work that what I do is unique or special.  Anyone could sign the papers and do the clearances, and edit the policies that someone else is writing.  The stuff that I care about is not getting done because I am spending so much time pushing paper and making my boss's priorities my own.  I know I am helping him feel better about his own work and I know he is happy to have me here, but that's not enough.   I feel like I'm not helping my docs reach their potential, I haven't had time to see pts, and although people say my presence matters, that just doesn't seem to be enough.  I'm not PRODUCING.

I've met with the clinic chief and will start going to clinic next week.  It doesn't matter if I don't have time.  Time needs to be made.

I'm really worried about the rest of my military career.  If this is what's in store for me for the next 3 or 6 or 9 years, I want no part of it.  Now I know why people get burned out and leave executive medicine in the Air Force.  This stinks.

Sitting on Ice!

There are times when being driven is good and times when it can hurt.  Today was one of those days!  I recently read in a swimming magazine the difference between a sprinter and a distance swimmer.  Sprinters want to have fun and they only want to do the minimal work necessary to get the job done.  Distance swimmers (or any sport, I think), love practice for the sake of practice.  They will do whatever work-out is put before them, feel longer is better, and will push through the pain to finish the work-out.  I am not a sprinter.  I'm a distance athlete and I enjoy practice just for the sake of practice.  Today I had to remind myself that the means are a means to an end, and in the end, I won't miss 1.5 miles one Sunday.

I was out for a 9 mile run on a gorgeous, albeit freezing, day in DC.  On a pretty trail next to the Potomac River on which the hotel staff swear I won;t likely be murdered.  Anyway, 3rd grade math tells you that's 4.5 out and 4.5 back.  Well. at about 2.75 miles, I tripped and REALLY hurt my right hamstring.  It hurt a lot!  I've had kind of a chronic hamstring thing going on for a couple of yrs and it was getting better over the last couple of months.     So what did I do after I got hurt?  I kept going of course.  Because the specified distance was 4.5 before I could turn around.  And usually pains get better while I run.  If I stopped everyting something hurt, I'd never get anywhere.  For instance, at the beginning of this run, I jumped off a low wall onto the trail and my foot hurt.  I was seriously considering for about a half mile whether I should stop, but it got better.  See?  It usually works.  Well, after I fell, I kept going for about another mile, and then started thinking about my ultimate goal.  The goal is a Half Ironman in May.  If I rip my hamstring and spend weeks off of running and biking, my race will be in jeopardy.  If I turn around, I miss 1.5 miles of my workout, but will I notice 3 months from now?  I decided caution was in order.  I hated it because it feels like giving up.  But in reality, it's smart training,  So I turned around.  Stopped near the hotel for a sandwich and  discovered a pizza sandwich- oh my, it was yummy!!  And I ate it while sitting on an ice pack.  I have tomorrow off, then a swim on Tuesday.  Then a bike and run on Wednesday.  I'll ice the heck out of it between now and then.  the good news it that it was actually feeling better by the time I got home.  See?!

The Difference Between Chinese Mothers and Western Mothers

This is a brilliant article by a Yale professor about the difference in parenting styles of Western mothers and Chinese mothers.  She outlines three fundamental differences such as the fact that Western mothers are so concerned about their child's self esteem, while Chinese mothers know that self esteem comes from accomplishment and drive their children to perfection.
Read it- you will like it!

Hope

Awesome church service today about hope.  It really spoke to me because I tend to be optimistic and hopeful and it takes a lot to crush my hope.  But I don't do disappointment well.  When I get my hopes up and then they get dashed, I get really bummed out and then sad.  I get over it relatively quickly, but I hate it.  I always hope that things will get better. I end every hard day hoping that tomorrow will be better.  If I mess up, I make a plan to learn from my mistakes and then hope that I do better next time.

The preacher gave an example of an experiment done with rats where one rat was dropped into a vat of water in the complete dark to see how long it would swim.  It lasted 3 minutes.  Then they did the same thing with another rat, but this time, they let a crack of light into the room that the rat could see.  Guess how long it lasted.  36...............................
HOURS!!!!!!!!
That is amazing to me.  One little ray of light gave that rat the hope to keep swimming until he was exhausted.  Or maybe the first rat was just a crappy swimmer.  But I doubt it.  I really believe in the power of hope.

Hopelessness is the worst prognostic factor for someone who is depressed.  Once they get to the point where they have no hope, they are in grave danger of committing suicide.  Why would someone continue life if they thought there was no way it would ever get better?  I can't even imagine being that low, but I can imagine what I would do if I were.

Romans 15:13 (New International Version, ©2010)

 ¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.