Meaningless

This started as a letter to a friend, and I'm reposting it here.  I suppose it's times when I write stuff like this that I'm glad this is a relatively anonymous blog.  Regular people can find it if they search, but only my friends and family know who I am.

  I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday.  Not sure what triggered it.  I was sitting in a meeting room at this conference.  I can't even remember what the heck they were talking about.  But I started to realize that for the first time ever, I hate my job.  I feel like I go to work every day and do nothing meaningful.  I feel like all I do is push paper from one side of my desk to the other.  I don't feel like the things I do in medicine right now are really necessary, although I suppose some of it must be done.  But it doesn't have to be done by me. Any average doc could do it.   I have always felt like what I was doing was unique. That yes, there are people out there doing the same thing (seeing pts, commanding, advising, etc), but that no one was doing it quite like me and that I was truly making my mark and having an impact on people's lives.  I've always strived to be unique, in a good way- not a weird way.  That I was somehow special and that God put me here to do unique work. Every assignment i spend my days looking for my purpose.  Why was I personally sent there instead of someone else.  What is it that I uniquely have to offer.  I just don't have the feeling with my current work that what I do is unique or special.  Anyone could sign the papers and do the clearances, and edit the policies that someone else is writing.  The stuff that I care about is not getting done because I am spending so much time pushing paper and making my boss's priorities my own.  I know I am helping him feel better about his own work and I know he is happy to have me here, but that's not enough.   I feel like I'm not helping my docs reach their potential, I haven't had time to see pts, and although people say my presence matters, that just doesn't seem to be enough.  I'm not PRODUCING.

I've met with the clinic chief and will start going to clinic next week.  It doesn't matter if I don't have time.  Time needs to be made.

I'm really worried about the rest of my military career.  If this is what's in store for me for the next 3 or 6 or 9 years, I want no part of it.  Now I know why people get burned out and leave executive medicine in the Air Force.  This stinks.